Clark: Here’s the straight dope on your I-502 questions
November 11, 2012 - Updated: 6:15 a.m.
Washington voters approved a measure this week to legalize marijuana for recreational use, leaving many in the non-stoner community abuzz with questions.
Fortunately, Answer Man is here today to fill your informational void.
Q: Answer Man, what will pot legalization do to Washington’s reputation?
AM: Well, our days as the Apple State are over.
Q: What’ll we be called now?
AM: The state of Stems and Seeds, I’m afraid.
Q: Doesn’t sound very appealing, huh?
AM: Like the slop served in high school cafeterias, whenever government gets involved you can bet quality will suffer.
Q: Speaking of government, will our attitudinal shift on weed affect future elections?
AM: Ask Gov. Woody Harrelson in four years.
Q: I’m worried about my local dealer, Answer Man. Will legal weed put him out of business?
AM: Don’t worry. Pot will soon be sold at the old state liquor store locations that closed with the privatization of alcohol.
Q: So dealers can work there?
AM: In sales there is always room for criminals with experience.
Q: What do you think the feds will do about Washington weed?
AM: They’ll have to get in line like everyone else.
Q: Marijuana varieties always have catchy names like Acapulco Gold or BC Bud or Colfax Kush. What strain will we have here in the Lilac City?
AM: Spocannabis Green sounds right.
Q: Will legalizing marijuana boost our depressed economy?
AM: Bet on it. Nordstrom, in fact, plans to open a separate Bongwares Department for an exclusive line of pot paraphernalia.
AM: Not if you wait for the yearly Nordstrom Half-Baked Sale.
Q: Any other economic benefits?
AM: There’s plenty of excitement here at the paper. We’re switching from our traditional newsprint to publishing the nation’s first all-hemp edition.
Q: What’s so great about that?
AM: Once you finish reading your Clark column you can roll it up and toke me.
Q: Instead of sticking you under the litter box, like usual?
AM: I’ll tell the jokes here, pal.
Q: Sorry. What’ll you call this new paper?
AM: The Smokesman-Review, of course.
Q: I should’ve known. Think readers will like it?
AM: Well, I don’t think anything will please Howard of Republic.
Q: You mean the guy who keeps leaving phone messages about how much he can’t stand you?
AM: Yeah. My favorite was the one where he said: “I’m just curious with how you’re able to keep your job with all the junk that you put in your article every day.”
Q: Come to think of it, how do you keep your job with all the junk you put in?
AM: Some questions are even beyond Answer Man.
Q: Howard sure seems to read you a lot for a guy who doesn’t like you. Why do you think he keeps calling?
AM: Loneliness and boredom are powerful bedfellows.
Q: Getting back to dope, do you think smokable newspapers can make print journalism relevant again?
AM: The online experiment hasn’t exactly been a ticket to paradise.
Q: What are law enforcement agencies doing to prepare for legalized weed?
AM: The State Patrol has already renamed the freeway “High-90.”
Q: I’m no smoker, so where does that leave me?
AM: The active substance in marijuana can be ingested in many forms besides smoking.
Q: You mean like eating brownies?
AM: Yep. There’s even a holistic version that you can receive at your neighborhood naturopath.
Q: You don’t mean …
AM: Yes, high colonic chronic.
Q: That sounds quite uncomfortable.
AM: It helps to be stoned prior to the procedure.
Q: Can I buy a bong to match the color of the new carpet I just bought?
AM: Absolutely. Bongs, water pipes and other head shop gear come in a variety of shapes, sizes and all colors of the rainbow. Why, some of them even have the logos of your favorite sports team.
AM: Why not. The football team has certainly been playing like stoners.
AM: What? You think the coach comparing his lads to zombies is nicer?
Q: Point taken. In all seriousness, though, can any good come out of legalizing weed for recreational use?
AM: One thing’s certain. The decisions coming out of the Spokane mayor’s office will make a lot more sense.
Q: When you’re right, you’re right, Answer Man.
AM: Tell it to cranky Howard of Republic.
Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 firstname.lastname@example.org.